News

AN APOLOGY

15th January 2008

It has been brought to our attention that comments regarding the recently deceased Konkerbury student Simon Mornington may have been a little insensitive. The comments appear on a banner at the bottom of the University homepage.

Simon’s grieving parents contacted us with the request that we remove said comment. It would be irresponsible and offensive for us to neglect our duty. Unfortunately, those banners are really fiddly and we keep getting these Error messages up that we don’t understand. If there are any IT students out there who know where we’re going wrong please be in touch!

We tried turning it off and on again, but even that didn’t work. Nor did Ctrl Alt Delete.

Anyway, to make amends, the University has decided to open a little flower garden in Simon’s memory. We extend our heartfelt sympathies to Simon’s family and hope this repairs any hurt feelings. We are sure it is what Simon would have wanted. After all, gays really like flowers.

KONKERBURY UNIVERSITY IS A "BENT" INSTITUTION SAY PRO-HOMOSEXUAL PROTESTORS

17th January 2008

Pro-homosexual protestors stormed the Konkerbury campus yesterday afternoon in an attack against the institution’s handling of Simon Mornington’s memory. It was alleged that Konkerbury was institutionally homophobic.

A force of 500 turned up to ‘man’ a demonstration outside the library, but the Konkerbury security guards took them on, no problem.

We would like to stress that Konkerbury University is not a homophobic institution, nor does it promote such values. We believe in equal opportunities for everyone, and believe that discrimination against people on grounds of sexuality, colour, creed or religious beliefs is innately wrong and should not be tolerated.

A MESSAGE FROM THE RELIGIOUS STUDIES DEPARTMENT

20th January 2008

Lecturer in Religious Studies, the Rev. Tobias Staunchley, wishes to make an amendment to our previous announcement:

“It was recently stated that Konkerbury University is not a homophobic institution, and does not tolerate discrimination against such individuals. I would like to comment that I vehemently disagree. Gays are quite clearly evil Demons, despised by The One True God, and should not be tolerated under any circumstances. What’s more, if they try to put a big gay ornamental garden anywhere near MY office, then I will personally rip up every pansy, and burn down every tree, in an act of defiant love for the wisdom of my Lord and master Jesus Christ.”

REV. STAUNCHLEY DISMISSED FROM UNIVERSITY

21st January 2008

We have had a massive e-mail response to the Rev. Staunchley’s recent comments, and we would like to assure all those offended that he has now been dismissed from the faculty. His beliefs do not reflect the University, or indeed the majority of Christians. We apologise for any offence caused.

REV. STAUNCHLEY RE-ADMITTED TO UNIVERSITY

26th January 2008

Due to a recent legal case brought against Konkerbury University, the Rev. Staunchley has now been re-admitted to the faculty, and will recommence seminars and lectures as of Monday morning. He cited unfair dismissal.

Rev. Staunchley commented that he had been dismissed as a result of expressing his religious beliefs, which was discrimination. He further pointed out that the University claimed not to be in favour of such discrimination.

We asked the Philosophy department, who said he definitely had a point. His first lecture will be in Rumplestiltskin College Lecture Theatre A, and is entitled “Same Sex Marriage Services To Be Held on Campus - Who Wants To Stop The Buggers?” The lecture begins at nine.