Battle of the bands winners
Congratulations to 'Benjamin's Esoteric Hairpeace' for winning the Battle of The Bands at Konkerbury's Rock Off Music Club! The Konkerbury students caused a real stir with their unique sound and frontman Jagz receieved the £500 prize with a big grin and a cheer from the audience.
Freshers Week 2008
Was a resounding success this year. The campus nightclub came alive thanks to special guests Rammstein and public appearances from The Chuckle Brothers, who had lots of fun judging the Female Freshers Wet T-Shirt Competition. The night was only slightly marred when Paul Chuckle got into a fight with Rammstein front man Till Lindemann. Chuckle received a broken nose, yet the claims that he called Lindemann “a fire-breathing Nazi” have been categorically denied.
For other recent stories see the news page.
Konkerbury Chief of Police Robert 'Bobby' Grunt has revealed that a sack of overdue books left outside the University Library on Sunday night was in fact simply some homemade explosives. “We were very concerned that a student had failed to return the books before their due date,” Grunt said “and would therefore feel the full fury of the Head Librarian. We were relieved to find therefore, that the sack was actually just some explosives accidentally left on campus by a second year Chemistry student.” The sack was returned to its owner, who explained it was merely part of his coursework, which he had mislaid on his way to the Religious Fundamentalist Society’s weekly meeting in Rumplestiltskin College. The library is open as usual.
New Campus Decor: Gutted Rabbits
As part of the current campus facelift, marketing guru Matt Cirala has revealed a new series of 'natural sculptures' to compliment the campus. Matt says: "We wanted something that reflected nature, but which also reflected mortality and the importance of the educational environment. Nothing says this better than rabbit entrails dripping from lampposts, so that's what we've gone with. It's a controversial step, but we're confident people will approve." Matt has revealed that if the rabbits are deemed a success, then the University will also consider skewering a badger on the library flag pole.
Students Torture Device Controversy
Konkerbury students have been instructed to design torture equipment as part of their coursework. Although Konkerbury University is not the only Higher Education institution to implement such an idea, Konkerbury has attracted much controversy for actually implementing the equipment in the University Library. We would like to reassure students however that although an electric chair, 2 iron maidens, a stretching rack and a gas chamber have recently been installed adjacent to the library cafe, these measures will only be used when books are EXTREMELY late. The Head Librarian recommends using the measures if and only if a book is more than 3 weeks late. The scheme is expected to be highly efficient.
Missing Seminar Room
Rumplestiltskin Seminar Room 11 has disappeared. We all like a good joke, but this prank is causing us serious administrative problems. Please be aware the authorities have been informed. We ask whoever is responsible to kindly return Seminar Room 11; especially as it is believed Dr Wentforde was in there at the time of its disappearance. We apologise for the inconvenience caused to his classes. And his wife.
Konkerbury University is proud to announce an innovative new course available for our Media students. Aided Multimedia Computing Logistical Design has been devised by a team of leading experts as a highly fluid, semi-malleable logistical hotbed that promises to breed the next generation of innovative Media professionals. In fact, we're so proud of our resources and facilities here at Konkerbury that we've commisioned a special promotional video to send out to sixth forms and schools across the country. Why not click the above link to find out more?
Konkerbury is a vibrant and beautiful city. Just check out the City Council homepage! So what better place to study? We offer a whole host of courses to choose from, so whoever you are there is bound to be a degree suited to your needs! We also encourage foreigners from abroad to enrol as students here! In fact, we are proud to be an institution harbouring scores of students and lecturers, many of whom have only a passing acquaintance with the English language.
If you’re new to the campus, welcome aboard! We’re sure you’ll settle into your accommodation and enjoy your studying here. And if you don’t, then there’s always the University Counselling service to listen to you whine.